


Personal Log; or, Hyperfixation Release Valve

by orphan_account



Series: Brocol lerayt edek?; or, Trektober 2020 Challenge [5]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: (Mine), A Stitch In Time, AO3 May Not be the Place for This, Alien Gender/Sexuality, Atonement - Freeform, BACK ON MY BULLSHIT, Canon Compliant, Cardassians, Deep Space Nine: Fool’s Gold, Family Feels, Fan Journal, Fandom, First Time Viewing Classic Movies, Forgiveness, Gen, Gender Identity, Good ol' Sci-Fi, Grace - Freeform, Honor to the House of Martok, I also like 14-letter Words, I like 4-Letter Words, Martok is a Good Bro, Nonbinary Experience, Not Canon Compliant, Observation Journal, Relational Healing, Self-Indulgent, Spirituality through the Lens of Sci-Fi Stories, Star Trek Archives Vol. 4: The Best of Deep Space Nine, Tags Are Fun, Too Long a Sacrifice, Tova’dok, Trust, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Villains, With the Invitation for the Same, Yom Kippur | Atonement Day, friendships, graphic novels, spirituality, thought experiments
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:27:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 6,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26532838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: I sort of doubt this is allowed, but I am having a moment.I’m watching Deep Space Nine and am remarkably affected by it. The problem is that I have no one to which to remark on it. So, instead of pacing the room and doing nothing constructive with my thoughts (and mostly feelings) I decided to try a fan journal of sorts.Maybe it will lead to fics. Maybe nice folks will comment on it to talk DS9 with me. :D
Relationships: Dukat & Benjamin Sisko, Dukat & Tora Ziyal, James T. Kirk & Spock, Julian Bashir & Elim Garak, Julian Bashir/Elim Garak, Kira Nerys & Benjamin Sisko, Kira Nerys & Kai Opaka, Kira Nerys & Winn Adami, Martok & Worf (Star Trek)
Series: Brocol lerayt edek?; or, Trektober 2020 Challenge [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1955005
Comments: 54
Kudos: 17





	1. S2E22: The Wire

**Author's Note:**

> Always and forever: spoiler alert for DS9. That’s what I’m doing here.

Episode: “The Wire”

* * *

So, prior to jotting down these thoughts I had been crying for about 30 minutes. 

It all began as a very sympathetic unease... “Garak is sick!” I said to myself and my brow immediately buckled as I watched him argue with Bashir. ( _Very strange_.) Then, that little fear morphed into “Oh no. Destructive drinking...I hope he will be okay” and from there on out, I just wanted to give him and Bashir a hug.

Oh, but of course, there’s so much more to it! I am in rapt anticipation— every conversation that the two have from there is a tightening of the clamp on my heart. Holy hell— who wrote this? Some pretty delicious angst here.

And... not so delicious angst. I recognize quite a few signals here.

The decision to detox and the subsequent hurtful words, accusations ... and tussle... were hard to watch, to be sure.

What’s got me right now, though, is Garak’s plea: “I need to know that someone forgives me.” And!— Bashir’s addendum “for whatever it is you did” — as though he is still not convinced Garak shouldn’t give himself grace.

...

I haven’t even watched all of the episode! I am being held at this point. I can’t go further yet. 

“I need to know that someone forgives me.”

Damn! Isn’t that too eloquent and relevant? To me, anyway. Especially in the context of “Why are you telling me this?” and “So you can forgive me. Why else?”

I think every one of my stories, on or off of the page, could be summed up by the context of that exchange.

To seek forgiveness is one of the most significant endeavors I’ve ever taken. Not always a conscious one. I seek it, not only for myself, but others, too. There’s too much _burden_ without forgiveness.

* * *

Besides that rabbit hole, there’s also the interesting points brought up by Garak when he’s ranting about the station— too cold, too bright, and every Bajoran looks at him with disdain. I hadn’t thought about those external factors. In flashbacks, the station is much darker, I had noticed. The Cardassians must be low-light people. I’m glad that they include so much detail specific to characters within the show’s dialogue. The _DS9_ writers seem very consistent.

I also was so touched when Garak said the only thing he looked forward to was lunch with Bashir. Particularly after he had made the comment, “Do you think because we share lunch once a week that you know me?”

Though, that brings up some qualms in my mind about Bashir and how much he pushes to know or help Garak, in this episode, especially. From the perspective of him as a doctor and caretaker, it is admirable for him to persist in his efforts to treat Garak.

What about on a personal level? I don’t know. That’s so gray to me, still. I could see an unbalanced relationship dynamic there. But, for the sake of this episode, I suppose it’s inconsequential. It is a lovely episode!


	2. Graphic Novels and Egregious Expressions

I am really anticipating the _Too Long a Sacrifice_ graphic novel! (I’ve already preordered it. ^^) Two days ago, I read Tipton and Montovani’s _Fool’s Gold_ and it was quite entertaining. However, I couldn’t get over the characters’ expressions.

I noticed it first with Sisko. He didn’t seem as collected. In fact he looked out of control. In some panels he was even baring his teeth; it jarred me. Sisko is the picture of a Starfleet commander.

Then, I thought that Odo looked worried or scared in a few places. That's a laugh...

I realized it was Montovani’s depictions of the characters’ emotions. They were completely out of sync with their personalities, (at least according to my perception of them.)

Today I finished reading Barr and Purcell's portions of _Star Trek Archives Vol. 4: The Best of Deep Space Nine_ and it’s so much truer in its representation of the crew! Purcell's artwork is more in the same style of the show, in general. It's straightforward, supporting the text without distracting from it.

Monotovani's panels were too flamboyant for _DS9_ , I think.

Anybody read these books who would share their thoughts? :)


	3. Grace and Atonement in “The Wire”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And... I’m back on “The Wire” again. I read an article on StarTrek.com about Yom Kippur and the difference between atonement and forgiveness, especially within Trek storylines. Now my wheels are turning again.

_Deep Space Nine_ S2:E22, “The Wire,” has deeply resonated with me, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this... ;) I rewatched it last night with my partner (who said they must have mixed the components of the episode in a vial labeled PETE. Haha! Seems so!)

I also read this gorgeous article: “[Seeking Repentance in Star Trek](https://t.co/lsGmOMTesB)” and it inspired me to unpack Garak’s plea for forgiveness in S2:E22 a little further. 

By the time he admits to Bashir that he “needs to know that someone forgives” him, Garak has made three different confessions, all related but with differing details. The last confession focuses on his betrayal of Elim, whom he calls his close friend, but is actually himself.

In the article, Prescod-Weinstein explores the difference between seeking forgiveness or asking for unearned grace and giving atonement. Her example is Gul Dukat, who seeks forgiveness but refuses to admit guilt. He only wants grace for his actions without trying to earn restoration.

In this way, he is not seeking atonement. Atonement requires the sacrifice (even if only of one’s vanity) to receive a higher restoration.

That all brought me to wonder: in “The Wire” does Garak seek unearned forgiveness or do you think he’s seeking atonement? 

Also, what is he apologizing for, in the episode?

I’d love to hear some thoughts from those reading!


	4. Kira Nerys; Self and Spirituality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thinking about Kira and how her religious convictions are shaped by Kai Opaka, Vedek Bareil, and Vedek Winn.

Having opened up a channel in my brain to think on spirituality, I want to talk about Kira Nerys.

Most of my thoughts are fairly comprehensive of what I’ve seen of the series so far, but I can point specifically to a few details in S2:E24 “The Collaborator” and S1:E20 “In the Hands of the Prophets.”

Watching “The Collaborator,” I already had Kira on my mind because of S2:E23 “The Crossover.” It really struck me how she was able to manipulate her mirror self, essentially herself. To manipulate oneself, knowledgeably, is pretty impressive. Certainly, I manipulate myself (in a much different manner, of course) all the time, but I rarely realize I’m doing it.

Then again, is that what temptation is?

But, what gets me is her level of self-knowledge. If I stood face to face with my mirror self, knowing I would need to convince them to do something, without trusting them… I’m not sure I would know where to start!

* * *

Back to the topic at hand, Kira operates in a very complex way, it seems to me. Every action is an act of conviction. She is a character of _conviction_ . Conviction, not necessarily _passion_. By that I mean, that it’s all about what she believes and how she feels.

My heart went out to her in the “The Collaborator”! I remember feeling sad that Kai Opaka remained behind with the Ennis and Nol-Ennis in “Battle Lines.” The Kai’s parting words to Kira, about beginning her healing process, appeared to release Kira of her resistance to progress. Then, to discover that Kai Opaka was a Cardassian Collaborator! That’s just heart-rending…

I’m worried and wondering where that leaves Kira now. I think a good deal of her understanding of Bajoran religion is built on her view of and relational trust with Kai Opaka and Vedek Bareil. And, the Bajorans as a culture relied on their spiritual leaders during the occupation.

After Kira became disillusioned with Winn Adami, the effect was visible in all aspects of her life, especially in her relationship with Sisko. (In my opinion, it was a wound that healed more strongly than before.) She said of Winn’s Orthodox stance on local issues: “I envied Vedek Winn because she was a true believer.”

Now that Kai Opaka has been revealed to have given up the location of a Bajoran base, resulting in so much destruction (even if it deflected the death of others)… I worry for her. :/


	5. Nonbinary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So... Star Trek is introducing its first nonbinary character and first trans character with Discovery?

Hmmmm.

I read in _Out Magazine_ that _Star Trek Discovery_ will introduce the first nonbinary and trans characters in the franchise. Of course my first thoughts were delighted. As a nonbinary person, it feels good to see an actor who is also nonbinary play out the story of a nonbinary character. Similarly, I am happy for my trans fellows to see them represented in such an undeniable way. _Especially_ trans men, who get next to no representation at all!

My second thoughts were along the lines... “Hmmmm.”

* * *

I’ve been following Odo as a nonbinary character. He presents masculinely, true enough, and lives out a traditionally male societal role. But, I don’t think that the humanoid form he keeps is one he considers adequate in expressing himself. Isn’t that a nonbinary experience?

I may seem like I’m trying to split hairs or dredge up debate, but I hope you’ll believe that I’m not. It’s just that I made a connection and would like to articulate what I saw.

What do you think?


	6. A Kick Out of It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sir Patrick Stewart says he would get a kick out of a Star Trek / Star Wars crossover movie...

Skipping merrily through Twitter, I spied [this article from StarTrek.com](https://trekmovie.com/2020/09/22/patrick-stewart-wants-to-see-a-star-trek-star-wars-crossover-movie/) which includes an interview with Sir Patrick Stewart and Mark Hamill. Both were sharing their thoughts on the perceived _Trek_ / _SW_ rivalry between fans. The title of the article is, in my opinion, too grabby. Stewart says that on the Trek side of things there were always daydreams about a crossover and that he’d get a kick out of it.

Honestly, I’m really interested to know what a certain friend of mine would think of that! I’ll have to ask him some day. As for me, though... I think “a kick” is what I would get out of it, too. Like mixing orange juice and Red Bull— each loses its distinction and the end result is memorable, but maybe just so...

Not that I wouldn’t love to hear some meaty discourses on philosophy, anthropology, and spirituality from various characters on both sides. It may also be pretty thrilling to see if any Trekkers are Force-sensitive!

I wonder how spacecraft operations would compare...

Oh, shit. I’m getting sucked in.

* * *

But, speaking of getting a kick out of some things, I’d love to share some tidbits that really tickled me. :)

Things I got a kick out of (in recent memory):

Odo and Quark as bunkmates (short lived though it was. Too bad more hijinks didn’t ensue.)

Every damn thing Garak said or did in “The Search: Part 2”!!!

Every expression on Bashir’s face when watching Garak do all the things he did in “The Search: Part 2.” Haha!

(Speaking of! If Bashir was being held by the Founders in their psychic-simulation-thing, then the Garak within the simulation must be Bashir’s perception. And the others’, but mostly Bashir’s. Isn’t that adorable!?!)

Quark explaining financial takeover to Klingons, hahaha!

(Oldie:) Jadzia introducing herself to Kor and he just accepts it immediately.

Kira stopping Odo from interrogating the other shapeshifters when they arrive on the planet.

* * *

That’s what I’ve got for the moment. Thanks for reading! Feel free to drop a note!


	7. Indefinite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, just thinking about Odo and being nonbinary again.

I’ve continued thinking, since the last time I brought this up, about Odo as a nonbinary character, or, a representation of the experiences of nonbinary or gender-nonconforming folx.

[Well— on a sidetrack, I finished the emotional maelstrom that is “The Search” Parts 1 and 2 (S3:E1 and E2) not long ago— Good gravy! The shapeshifters are the Founders?!? As one of my dear _Derry Girls_ would say: Fuck-a-doodle-doo!!— But, anyway…]

Odo first blipped onto my radar when he spoke about assimilating to those around him in order to relate or communicate with them. He labored to carve himself into a body that can speak the way others spoke, to walk, and otherwise live in a place that was not created with him in mind. He mentions from time to time that he has no stomach, no sense of smell, etc., he only gives the appearance of having them. And so, people around him make assumptions about him or his needs, but those assumptions are based on illusions he put in place in order to fit in with them.

How exhausting! No wonder he’s so grumpy and bitter all the time. I hope he works that out for everyone’s sake.

At least, though, he has found his “link” as he tells the other shapeshifters. <3

* * *

To carve the body, to assimilate, to exist as both conspicuous and somehow imperceptible… That strikes a chord in me, in my experience with self-realization and, yes, gender. Being afraid that you’re only trying to be something… Yet, in actuality, who you are is only as indefinite a thing as “myself.”

Sorry if that doesn’t make sense.

In any case, I love Odo!


	8. Indignant Question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My unbridled reaction to a peevish thing someone said on Fandom.com

“Books are rarely canon,” said a person in response to a question on Memory Alpha’s forum.

It was not my question; I should make that clear, but it was a good question by a fellow fan who was enjoying a book— _A Time To Kill_ , which I haven’t read. They said that the book mentions Worf mind-melding with Spock for a second time and asked when the first time was.

Honestly, I was excited to learn as well. (Mind-melding is cool as shit!) Yet, they received the response above.

It just seemed peevish and unnecessary. But, I didn’t intend this post to be me griping about that...

* * *

”Books are rarely canon.”

Really? (That’s my indignant question.)

I can accept that, logically, on a surface level, but it strikes me wrong.

Now, I am loose with canon. That’s no secret. Most of my fanfic is built on canon divergence or alternative universes.

I am okay, I guess I’m saying, with a noncommittal approach to fanfiction. I also understand that, when there are several minds and talents in on a work, that there’s a certain amount of grayness within canon, too. But, I think there’s a line.

To say that books in the franchise, broadly, are dismissible as canon, feels _disrespectful_ to me.   
  


What do you think about this phrase?


	9. Someone Help Put Me Back Together after “Second Skin”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My fanboi reaction to the episode “Second Skin.”

_DS9_ has once again put my heart through the wringer! I am talking about S3:E6 “Second Skin.”

There were a trio of characters that, in the beginning of watching the series, didn’t elicit much emotional response from me: Jadzia Dax, Bashir, and Kira, but now I have no end of affection for Bashir and Kira!! and I like Jadzia when they delve into her character, but still find her forgettable when she’s in the background. Kira, though, I have come to adore. <3 I commend Nana Visitor for her portrayal of Kira— it’s just brimful and rich! Watching the character grow, adapt, and reveal herself has become one of the most satisfying parts of watching _DS9._

But, also, the star of this story, I feel, is Legate Ghemor. This is the second time my heart’s been touched by a Cardassian father’s love for his child. He’s so patient and protective of his “daughter.” His gestures, such as allowing her to be “a guest” in his home, without any expectations as his daughter, and in fixing Bajoran food for her, are so _sweet_. He’s exactly what I would imagine the loving parent of an adult child to be.

When Kira has been all but broken by Entek and the Legate Ghemor catches her in his arms, it was oh so very beautiful… Then, his speech— “I am a selfish old man. I can’t keep you here, no matter how much I want to…”— and Kira holds onto him like he’s her only ally.... I was completely won over!

More and more, I find myself investing in the Cardassians. Maybe I am traveling alongside Kira on her journey, in a sense. For me, it began with “Duet” (S1;E19) and Marittza. I lost all bitterness and suspicion (of him, really; but it made me more open towards Cardassians in general) when listening to him grieve over “Marittza the coward.” I was also moved by Pa’Dar and his reunion with his son. I sincerely hope that the Cardassian war orphans find peace and good homes. It hurt to see Garak tell them he’d not come to take them home.

From there, of course, Garak (with whom I low key have nearly connected to on a spiritual level) has made me quite curious and sympathetic to the Cardassians, because I am curious and sympathetic to him. :D Seriously, though, I am rooting for Legate Ghemor and the Cardassian dissidents! Wouldn’t it be lovely to see “more artists” in Cardassia?

Also, Garak was brilliant in this episode! I was thoroughly entertained by his battle of wits with Sisko! He was quite animated in this episode, I must say. I do love his retort to Entek: “Treason, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.”

I am not sure why Legate Ghemor tells Kira not to trust him. I mean… I _do_. But, it also seemed to me that Garak was a dissident as well. Then again, it may be my own bias. I am starting to fall pretty hard down the Garak fandom rabbit hole.

I hopefully will not break my neck. Hahaha.


	10. We All Saw This Coming; also, Mercy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oop. There I go... I finally succumbed to the Garashir ship.
> 
> Also, my fixation on Garak and the subject of atonement/forgiveness/mercy continues.

I believe that I said, in a comment somewhere, that I was not altogether sold on the Garak/Bashir romance. The friendship? Oh, absolutely!!! 100% Green, go! But, as for an intimate relationship, my concern was that it wouldn’t be the best. After all, Garak doesn’t trust others, and trust is fundamental to a healthy intimate relationship— any long term intimate relationship, whether romantic or platonic. Also, Bashir, despite loving the thrill of the game, seems to want Garak to be more factual in his honesty, or, less ambiguous in some way and, honestly... I mean, don’t hold your breath, Julian.

That’s what I said.

Here’s the thing, though— I stumbled across some really soft Garashir fan art and I am completely _defenseless_!! I can’t help it. I am lost to the playful banter, the moments of caring, the adorable facial expressions... and now, the tender fan art. And, I have heard some of what Alexander Siddig and Andrew J. Robinson have said about the characters. There was never any chance for me otherwise. 

I do hope it works out for them!

* * *

  
And, without further ado, here we are again at the subject of atonement, forgiveness, and our favorite tortured tailor-tinker-spy. When I first approached this topic, I made to imply that I was a bit possessed by the question of Garak and forgiveness. Now, here we stand and I have realized that the obsession has just begun. I cannot get this out of my head!

In my defense, though, I read a clipping of the transcript of an interview with Andrew J. Robinson (what a treasure he is!) concerning Garak. He made the excellent point that, on Cardassia, those who disappoint the state, who fail, are irreparably cut off from their society. “...They go by a very strict code of justice.” _Garak is not expecting mercy._ That’s not how the Cardassians do things.

That has me thinking— if he doesn’t expect mercy, why would he seek restoration? There wouldn’t be a point. At least at first. Not until mercy began to seem possible. I think that could be why he appears so nonchalant about his actions (when sober.) I don’t believe he is unrepentant. I don’t think he can even imagine that repentance is available to him.

Christ!

How painfully sad.

Robinson’s point which he’s making is that Julian Bashir is compassionate; that is his nature and why he is so well-suited to be a doctor. In his relationship with Bashir, Garak becomes curious about the human idea of compassion. Then, he has it offered to him.

Another little gem that I am thinking about is this: in the script for “The Wire” (the episode that has apparently joined with my very soul) it states that Garak says his line about needing to know someone forgives him, then he _takes_ Bashir’s hand. But, that’s not how Robinson played it. He holds out his hand— what I take to be a humble, _asking_ gesture — and Bashir makes the choice to take it.

If I had words to describe exactly what this all means to me, perhaps I could just write about this once and be satisfied... but, I don’t know. I suspect this is just going to walk with me for a while.

* * *

Related note: How could one tattoo an entire episode of a television show on their body? Hmm... I would love a good “The Wire” tattoo, though, seriously...


	11. The Boiling Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m going have to let out some steam. I just started S5:E19 and these bastards really are going to kill off Legate Ghemor.

It’s a testament to the talent and skill of the DS9 writers that I am as invested in the (very) minor characters as I am.

You should have heard the excitement in my voice when I began “Ties of Blood and Water” and realized that Legate Ghemor was reuniting with Kira— “yay!” I said... and Kira was so happy... and Ghemor looked at her with such comfort in his eyes... and then, I realized that he was probably going to die.

Which makes me wonder a little about myself and television or storytelling in general. What are we doing? Why do we write this way?

We do this all the time. (Yes, I’m on one, but I _did_ warn you.)

Obviously, this is not what I want to transpire in this story. Yet, obversely, _this_ is, in fact, what I am here for. This is the content that my brain is anticipating.

Unbelievable.

“Cardassian cancer” was my partner’s prediction. (He admittedly is taking this a tad better than I am. Asshole.)

Yarim Fel Syndrome. Unbelievable!

* * *

That brings me to this: I love DS9 platonic relationships. They have a way of writing intimacy in friendship or in family dynamics that I rarely see from mainstream shows. Now, I find the romances insipid. (Except maybe Dax/Worf.) But, there’s real substance in the platonic ships. <3

To help elevate my mood, here are some friendships I couldn’t do without:

Odo and Garak— I find their bond fascinating! After Garak tortured Odo, there would seemingly be no reason for him to reach out at the end of “The Die is Cast,” but he does. There’s something that Garak and Odo understand about each other and I’d be happy to see it explored more. I think Garak’s little displays of concern for Odo in subsequent episodes are pretty adorable, too. Maybe I’m getting more sentimental as I age;

Julian and O’Brien— I notice that O’Brien took over from Garak as Julian’s foil (though Julian appears to remain Garak’s... interesting) and I have some raw feelings about that, to be sure. Nevertheless, this is a solid friendship and I especially love how they trade off relying on each other;

Kira and Odo— I know that the narrative has swung toward the romantic side of things for these two, but I would be just as satisfied by this remaining non-romantic. (I could be biased though.) Either way...;

Julian and Garak— I have more to say, can’t at the moment— raw feelings, you see; and,

Ziyal and Garak— Cute. It’s potentially very good for them each to have someone they can relate to on a different level than their other friends.

As for now, I’m spent. I’ll have to finish the episode tomorrow...


	12. Seldom-Followed Good Advice from Myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’ve now purchased three post-canon books that I won’t allow myself to read until I finish the show. Also, despite that and against my own advice...

In keeping with the tired anthem of the hypocritical and undisciplined, I have turned against my own advice. I told myself that I wanted to finish the show before I read any post-canon books. Well, then I preceded to buy three. They sit on my bedside table. (Well, one’s in my phone.)

I also told myself that I wouldn’t read any fanfiction until I finished the show...

Ah, but here’s the thing: sometimes I can’t pop on an episode of my show. Sometimes, too, I am tired of a screen. Sometimes I have two-five minutes of free time before my attention is demanded elsewhere... In those moments, I’d like to read my books!

While I appreciate the very good advice that I should wait and avoid spoiling things for myself, I’m not sure just how well my resolve is going to hold up. In fact I have already read Zaan’s very good story “The Incarceration of Elim Garak.” Oops. And, I’ve read the first chapter or so of _A Stitch in Time_. Oops again.

... And, I may have convinced myself it wouldn’t hurt anything to read the first two chapters of Una McCormick’s _The Crimson Shadow_. Ah, there I went again.

I guess we should all feel very fortunate that nobody is entrusting me with any containers that hold all the world’s sorrows, because if there were any indication that a satisfying, Garak-themed story were inside, the lid of that box would be pried off in a second.

* * *

Ah, but I don’t feel guilty for having read the first three issues of _Too Long a Sacrifice_!!! (It’s set within canon timeline with no spoilers for things I haven’t seen yet. Hurray!) I just love Scott and David Tipton as writers for DS9 narratives. They have a great handle on the setting and characters. It feels seamless to go between the show and their comics. Although, what is up with Julian in this series? He’s snarky and aloof; it’s really weird. Huh.

The artist, Greg Scott, has a natural style for the show and comic.

If you see it out on the shelf anywhere, I’d definitely recommend it. :)


	13. Gul Dukat: A Volatile Concoction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your standard reaction post. S6;E1-E6

Holy fuck, they killed off Ziyal. I _liked_ her! I thought she was a very nice person and it was good to see her make friends and I had hopes for her to lead an artist revival on Cardassia — she was just a _nice_ presence _._

I must say, too, that I did not see that coming. Kudos to the fandom for keeping that spoiler for a 30 year show close to the chest. Unless, y’all just didn’t care... But, I am genuinely sad for that loss.

Obversely, I am eager to see how this affects the disaster-cocktail that is Gul Dukat! I was just thinking, as I watched him command Terok Nor again, that he is a perfect villain. He’s just competent enough to be a legitimate threat and just flawed enough to subvert our expectations. His betrayals hurt, his smarminess is disgusting, and his refusal to seek redemption is both infuriating and pitiable.

What makes Gul Dukat such a great bad guy, for me, besides the fact that he is a great foil for Sisko, is that he’s a villain even in the everyday. We see that in his attempt to manipulate Kira by gifting her an evening gown and, when that fails, immediately turning it around to manipulate Ziyal’s view of him.

Now, with Ziyal killed, he is going to be even more of a chaotic bitch. That’s my prediction.


	14. Klingons and Capt. Hook

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’ve developed quite a fondness for Gen. Martok ^_^

General Martock reminds me so much of Dustin Hoffman’s portrayal of Capt. Hook!

That alone warmed my heart.

Ah, then, he was an absolute Klingon delight in every way! He’s honorable, loud and fun, and a formidable warrior. I love what he and Worf do for each other’s character development. I’d not ever seen Klingon friendships explored.

Worf also was a brilliant addition to the _DS9_ cast. I haven’t seen any _TNG_ since I was a kid playing underneath the rocking chair, in the television glow, and wishing my parents would watch something else. Cartoons, preferably. I remember that Worf was something of a big deal. I will be interested to watch _TNG_ next and see his earlier character development.

But, back to Martok, I appreciate the depth of his character. He’s more than a war song or a joke. I was touched by his struggle to get back into battle with the Jem’Hadar after Internment Camp 371. It wasn’t so much that he had been defeated by them, but it was the repeated brutality— what had become his daily experience— and having been temporarily free from it that scared him away from trying again. It didn’t matter that he had _survived_ it.

Now, that is significant. Very well executed on the part of the creators.

I also think it’s notable how his internal battle to engage the Jem’Hadar ran parallel with the crew of the Rotarran’s self-defeating attitude. How very fitting since he is their Captain.

* * *

His spiff with Nog was cute. ^_^ Though, was it explained why Nog was on security and I missed it?

I tell you, in my opinion, Martok is the _most_ honorable Klingon. He’s able to coexist and collaborate with other races.

* * *

I may or may not have gotten dewy eyed when he accepted Worf into the House of Martok. Also, his support and sound advice to Worf when Alexander joins the crew ... I hope I find a friend like Martok! Someone with whom I can share Tova’dok.

  
In summation, Martok is a wonderful character and I’m so, so happy he’s hanging around for the foreseeable future! He gives off a nice mix of Worf and Koloth...

Plus, occasionally, I pretend he actually is Hoffman’s Capt. Hook and get a good laugh. ;)


	15. Trekking Back; Star Trek films I to VI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Over a couple days convalescing a cold of some sort, I treated myself to an intermittent marathon of the Star Trek films! :D Here are my impressions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Films are organized by their place in the series.
> 
> Spoiler: I loved them!

I.

I was fucking _mesmerized_ the whole time! I'm willing to believe that's because I'm a Trekkie noob and I haven't seen 80's sci-fi in a while, but I really like this movie. The gradual re-introduction of the characters was paced well and, though I new that each appearance didn't mean the same to me as someone who's watched _TOS_ , I enjoyed it very much. Particularly, Bones's entrance.

I had an inkling going in that I would like Dr. McCoy, just from what I've gathered from time-bleached memories and fan-chatter. And, he did not disappoint! I'm not sure what it is with me and curmudgeonly smart-asses, but I fall for them every time...

Also-- the weirdest thing happened as I was watching this. I knew that my parents had the VHS set and my dad especially watched them often, but for some reason, I began this marathon telling myself that I remembered nothing whatsoever about them except that IV had whales... because I was a kid and I liked whales. But, then, the transporter malfunction scene rolls up and the people "begin to form" -- one screams -- and I had a very vivid sensory memory of seeing that exact moment but as a child. Scared me piss-less back then, too.

II.

My favorite-- probably! This struck me as such a classic in so many ways: action, sci-fi, 80s -- you know, all the relevant tags.

You know, my dad was real busted up about Kirk and Spock's goodbye scene and I never understood that until now. I doubt any paltry words I could drum up would really express how much recognition I believe Shatner and Nimoy deserve for this; it is singularly beautiful...

Also, Kahn's last speech-- his use of Capt. Ahab's dying words-- is chilling: "From hell's heart, I stab at thee. For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee." There are many more eloquent academic-types who could expound on the significance of Kahn quoting Ahab here, but I will say this: Kahn is strangely self-aware. Capt. Ahab is not a villain in any simple sense and he's not a hero, either. He is Moby Dick's antagonist and Moby Dick is his. Kahn ends exactly where he began; he knows his fate, but it's inconsequential. Nothing can conquer or deter his hatred of Kirk, not even his imminent destruction. What an interesting insight into Kahn's mind the writer's gave us with this line... I will be thinking about this for a while.

III.

I loved this one. :) The storyline is so soft, isn't it? Also, I really grew fond of Saavik. <3 Here's my sick-in-bed doodle of her:

Vulcans are so cute. <3

I got a couple of other blasts from the past, watching this one. I distinctly remember my dad going around saying: "You Klingon bastards! You killed my son!" And, his absolute favorite (I remember he would almost have a fit laughing about it, too) was: "I... have had... en-ough of you." My dad is a funny guy. He almost always found a way to work _Start Trek_ into his sermons, too, come to think of it. Every fan needs an outlet.

IV.

Whales! And-- Spock cussing!

Ah, the fluff after the storm... I love it! Good times.

It should also be said that the continuity between films is delightful.

V.

Uh... I actually don't remember much. This one lost my attention a few times. I did have a vague feeling that I've heard "What does God need with a spaceship?" about and around, somewhere.

VI.

Now, this film is _great!_ What a brilliant way to conclude the series!

Kirk and Spock both get very satisfying ends to their character arcs. Personally, I am overjoyed to see Klingons fleshed out as actual people and not some sort of villain-of-the-week.

I was particularly struck, as well, by the confrontation between Spock and Valeris. Nimoy can communicate emotion so subtly! I admire that.

Oh, and the investigation aspect of the film was so fun to watch. :D

* * *

That's all I have for now. It got late and I'd like to think more before I write anything else about _The Undiscovered Country_. -_- 

I'll leave you with Gorkon's words, which I find true for myself as I move from season to season in my life: "If there is to be a brave new world, [in my case, "the me I am now"] is going to have the hardest time living in it."


	16. Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just agonizing a little over Garak/Bashir

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry.

Is shipping supposed to be depressing?

Bear with me, please.

So, when I first mentioned the Garak/Bashir relationship I talked about trust— or, in their case, the sort of molten ground they walk between... trusting or wanting to or not trusting or not wanting to. And, it does sound like Garak is training Bashir not to trust, at times. The further into this series, the less secure the ground. I am beginning to fear this relationship is doomed.

Don’t mean to be a downer! (Maybe it’s the lack of sunlight that is affecting me so...) But, this is where my thoughts are for these two right now.

Or, it may be that I just don’t understand. In the first stages of this flirt-ship and then subsequent friendship, I thought that Garak was interested in Bashir because he was different than the other Starfleet officers— intelligent, able to break things down and solve the “problems”— _and_ _impressionable_. Julian, I thought, was excited by Garak’s intrigue and riddles.

Then, there was The Wire. Garak self-destructs. Julian stubbornly commits to caring. I thought they met each other halfway in the end. I thought that this began some sort of understanding between them, even if the games continued. “Especially the lies...” You know.

But, these don’t feel like games anymore. There is an undercurrent to every interaction that feels practically painful. Or else it’s my imagination.

Ah, but, maybe I am just a very naive and idealistic person. Sometimes I wonder if I’m still back where Julian began. But, I am still mid-season 6.

Then again, if I peek around at fanfiction (oops- still doing that), I don’t see many renderings of this relationship that are... not... somehow slightly antagonistic? Troubled? I’m not sure what the word is.

Hahaha— I must be naive indeed. Damn but I need some tenderness, some gentleness and nearness, in my literature. Not saccharine— but there is still real comfort between people, right?

* * *

I do wonder what it was that drew me to these two characters. We always choose the characters that reflect or feed parts of ourselves, right?

That’s a lie, partly; I was drawn by the forgiveness narrative. The idea that any amount of acceptance can drive out shame. That isolation ends once the drive for atonement finds grace. That there is still a place for people even if it’s somewhere new.

What happened to that? Is that not this story anymore? Nobody asked me what I wanted from this fictional relationship... ;)

That’s fine, really. It doesn’t have to be. It’s not my story, to be fair. And, to be clear, I will continue to watch and be invested in this show and these characters! I love them after all. :) :)

I’m just thinking.


End file.
